Doom...Doom...Doom

Doom…Here’s my pot shot at the cult movie series Doom

First things first…

Fact that irritates me the most about Doom enterprise is team Jai & Ali., let's call them Team Jali (fake). Jai looks like tenth fail (In all 10 attempts "dus bahane karke ho gaye fail") and I am sure, Ali can't even spell shcool. On the contrary two highly incompetent guys, travel onsite to solve a high profile case. Ali got selected on what merit? What happened to FBI, CSI? They caught O S A M A!!! Give those poor guys a chance. Entire plot is so racist that we need an Indian investigating agency for catching an Indian origin thief. Why this colaveri di?

No matter how smart, intelligent, HIGH IQ thieves, these dumbos, combined IQ of 0.25 (Actually 0.246 rounded off to 2 decimal places) will catch him. 
For gods sake! If there is still justice left in his universe, what will it take to beat this retarded couple?

If that is the case, maybe, we were wrong all along. We were coming out with extra smart thieves in each version, for an extra (XXL) dumb Jodi.

The Premise

So in my own version of D4 (Doom 4), let’s try something different. We should recruit monstrously retarded thieves. To quote Thakur from Sholya - "Ramlal, Lohe ko loha kaat-ta hain"
 

My suggestion: 

• Recruit Arjun Rampal & Rahul Roy (character artists) as thieves (now and henceforth referred to as Team Arrr (AR + RR). Suck on that Jai & Ali, now and henceforth referred to as Team Jali.
• No bikes this time around, let's go for bullock-cart (Go green)

Disclaimer: No animals were hurt while scripting this short movie. Not sure if the bulls will be emotionally hurt for carrying Dhakkans on their backs.

The Story begins...

Location: Crime scene. Tata Bhangar Wala, Chor Bazaar.

Team Arrr raid a bhangar store. They steal steel rods, tin boxes, metal chairs, hangers, rusted taps etc. Everything belonging to Jindal and Bros Company. 
The theft is reported to C.I.D

 

ACP Pradhuman & his team arrive at the crime scene (ACP wearing a 3 piece suit on a hot Mumbai afternoon)

Daya: “Sir, yeh to khula maidan hai, dur dur tak koi darwaja nahi. Me ja raha hu”. He leaves in an auto-rickshaw

They pick up ALL finger prints; do some random interviews of people around the shop.

ACP: “Kuch to gadbad hai. I smell some foul play.”

They leave for head-quarters. After a week, they give up. Case cannot be solved by C.I.D

Enter Special Task Force! 
Team Jali are called (Dhoom guitar song in the background), sound of roaring engines can be heard, Team Jali in the frame. They are coming on a bicycle, Jai is sitting on aage ka dandi (In real life Sr. AB & in the movie Ali is carrying him). Jai is holding a tape-recorder in his hand  from which background music is being played. Team Jali do inspection of the crime scene for 2 complete days. They are not able to find anything.

Jai (to Tata bhai): ”Chori kab aur kaha hui thi???” (With attitude, they mean serious business)

Tata bhai: “Sir yaha to gali ke bache pet saaf karne aate hai, chori to backyard me hui thi”

(ACP Pradhuman, who is watching this on a spy cam…”ohh, achaa!!!!” I was right about the foul smell. I am the best!)

Team Jali: (hiding there embarrassment) “Pata hai, pata hai. Hum dono ka bhi pet kharab hai”

Tata bhai: (Murmuring) “2 din pehle kya haathi khaya tha?”

 

They investigate crime scene for 3 more days (nobody cares in office, where the F they are)

Finger prints are taken, no match.

Ali: “Jai, shane chor hai. Lagta hai blouse pehenke chori kiya hain”

Jai: “Blouse nahi saale, gloves” (Jai slaps Ali, before falling, he does a somersault in the air. He falls down with his face on a slipper)

Ali: “Jai, yeh kya hai??? Gucci ka slipper. Jisko mila uska. DIBS!!!”

Jai:”Bhangar wale ke shop me slipper. Kuch to gadbad hai” (Doom….Doom….Doom)

Jai: “Kahi yeh slipper chor ka to nahi??????” (Doom machade……)

 

Location: Forensic lab

No finger prints found. Analysis goes on for 5 more days.

Team Jali is frustrated with slow analysis.

Ali: (Suddenly exclaims!)” Bhai slipper to pair me dalte hai, finger print kaise aayenga? Pav ka finger prints dekhna chaiye”

Jai: (Requests research team) “Guys, kindly adjust. Can you search this foot finger print in your finger print database?” (Typical USER! doom….doom…doom)

 

Jai (all-rounder Hindi film hero) storms into the lab and takes investigation into his own hands. Literally!

He picks up the slipper with his own hands & studies it under microscope and within 2 minutes he exclaims!

Jai: “aaahaaaaaa!!!. Slipper ke thread pe pan ka daag” (Doom machade……)

 

DNA analysis is done (by Jai himself). Match is found. A shoemaker (Bata bhai) at mauchi gali. Team Jali leaves for mauchi gali on their cycle. (doom….doom…doom)

 

Location: Interrogation Room:

Ali: “Hello Uncle!!! Phata hua juta silaneka kitna?”

Bata bhai: “Depends upon the brand. Me aaj bhi desi brands ke jute nahi silta.”

Jai: “Papa ki yaad dila di, Mein papa ko phone karke aata hu (what an Idea bataji)”

Jai comes back after his call.

 

Jai: “Mere pass time nahi hai, jaldi bolo, yeh slipper kiska hai?” (Banging his fist on the table)

Bata Bhai: (shivering as he talks) "Nahi pata"
Jai: “Lagta hai tu aise nahi manega. I tried hard to be nice. Now it’s time for 3rd degree” (Jai leaves the room)

Jai comes back after 30 minutes. Ali & Bata bhai are playing Antakshari (good cop/bad cop strategy)

Ali: “La…La...La…La say bolo”

Bata Bhai: “Mere to L lag gaye” (Bappi Lehri song)

 

Jai is busy setting up DVD player. He takes out Doom-1 DVD from his pocket. Bata bhai is shocked. His face turns white.

Jai: “Milte hai 3 ghante ke baad” (Team Jali gets up to leave the room)

Bata bhai:” tum log kaha ja rahe ho. (Raises his voice) Mujhe akele yeh movie dekhne maat chodo. (Shouts) Bhagwan say daro”

 

(After 3 hours....)

Bata bhai is unconscious. Ali pours some water on his face. Bata bhai comes back to his senses.

Bata bhai: “Me kaha hu???”

Ali: “Abhi to mu kholo baba. Jai bahut stone hearted hai.”

Bata bhai: “Uske facial expressions me dikhta hai”

 

Jai removes Doom-2 DVD from his pocket. Bata bhai is crying his heart out. It’s like 26/7 all over again. Without a word, Jai hits PLAY. Team Jali leaves the room.

 

(After 3 more hours)

There are cracks in the wall, water leaking from the ceiling. Bata bhai unconscious again, blood flowing out of his nose, soapy bubbles in his mouth.

Ali: “Bata bhai maar gaye! Aaj tak kisi ne part 1 & 2 back-to-back nahi dekha hai”

Ali removes his socks, takes it close to Bata bhai’s nose.

Taadaa!!! Bata bhai opens his eyes, falls down from the chair & vomits profusely.

Ali: (shouts) “Aila!!! Abhi tak bharose pe kaam chal raha tha, isko to tie karna he bhul gaye” (No one dared to look into Bata bhai’s eyes)

 

Jai removes Doom-3 DVD from his pocket (his hands shaking).

Bata bhai: (Breathing heavily) “Me bolta hu, pechle janam ka bhi bolta hu. Pehle DVD ander rakho. Tumhe ‘Me Prem Ki Diwani Hu’ & ‘Niel & Nikki’ ki kasam. Maa Kasam sab bolta hu. Mera naam Bata bhai nahi Paragon bhai hai. Meri wife ka naam Relaxo ka(u)r. Mere do bache hai. Videsh me padh rahe hai, Lotto & Reebok. Ek najayaz bhi hai. Padosi nai (barber) ka Nike”

 

SATAAAAK!!!!! Jai slaps him hard.

 

(5 minutes later)

Bata bhai: “Un dono ka naam Karan & Arjun hai” (In a very sad tone)

Jai: “Pehle kyu nahi bataya?”

Bata bhai: “Dono ne kaha, bhangar bech ke paise chukka denge. Ager tum unko pakad lete to mera Rs 2.50 ka nuksan ho jata”

Jai: “Number batao”

Bata bhai: “Slipper ka, ya phone ka?”

Jai raises his hand.

Bata bhai: “Phone number bhi deta hu” (Ali scribbles something)

 

Team Arrr phone is tapped. They hear something about trading stolen junk at bhangar-nagar for Rs. 550 + riksha bhada. Before they could trace the other number, call is disconnected.

Jai (dedh shana) calls up Team Arrr. Challenges them that he knows about the deal and will catch them red handed. Team Arrr accepts the challenge.

Jai: (Asks Team Arrr curiously) “Why only Jindhal’s bhangar. What’s the deal bro?”

Karan: (Goes into flashback) “Bachpan me jab hum chote thee…”

Their father was a poor farmer. One busy day, he was going to the market in his bullock-cart. He was in a hurry & driving fast. As he was approaching a cross-road, there was a bullock cart coming from the opposite direction. Driver signaled for the right turn. Right before the turn he lost control, cart went to the left and dashed into their father’s cart. It was a nasty accident.

Arjun: “Samne wale bull ke horns dad ke pet me ghus gaye. Driver bhag gaya. Suna tha ke woh peeke chala raha tha”

Public appeal: Please don’t drink and drive.

Karan & Arjun, who were smoking 555 bidi saw this. They ran towards their father (fast in slow motion). They asked him, who the driver was. Father tried to say something, but couldn’t. He mustered all his strength and said “J.J.J.J.J.Jindal” (His head drops to the left with tongue outside)

 

Jai: “Ab samjha. Take care. See you tomorrow, Good night sweet dreams“(Hangs up the phone)

 

All set for the climax.

 

Location: Bhangar-nagar.

Special cell lays trap, officers disguised as customers at various shops.

They were anticipating that Team Arrr will come disguised in a burkha or as a pregnant woman or hidden in a circus caravan.

Extra dumb Team Arrr arrives at bhangar nagar as-is. Officers stop them at the check point.

Police: “Kaha ja rahe ho?”

Arjun: “Bhangar nagar.”

Jai: “Jane do unko. Chor itne ullu nahi hai, they will be in disguise. Don’t waste your time here.”

Team Arrr look at each other. They realize there mistake. Say “sorry” to Jai. Jai is too busy to listen.

Team Arrr reaches Mittal bhai’s shop.

Team Arrr: “As discussed over the call, we have bought the stolen bhangar.”

Officer nearby gets alerted. He informs Jai.

Jai: “Check if they ask Rs 550+Rikshaw bhada. If yes, then they are our men.”

Officer: “Samjh gaya”

 

Mittal bhai: “Mere pass itna cash nahi hai. All I can offer you is 300 in cash and baki ka saman le lo”

Team Arrr: “Ok. We are ok with 300 in cash, 5 kg onions, 3 kg tamatar, 4 kg allu and 5 Rs ka hara-masala.”

Mittal bhai: “Deal”

Officer updates Jai about the deal. Jai thinks hard. Team Arrr call for an all brains meeting. After logic, extra logic, data analysis, psychiatrist consultation, baba bangali panchang study, they come to the conclusion that guys at Mittal bhai shop are not Team Arrr.

Ali: “Dono kafi hoshiyar hai. Yaha pe dummy bhej ke kahi aur maal bech rahe hai.”

Jai: “Attention all officers, lets raid some other bhangar nagar”

 

Team Arrr are successful in their plan (Doom…Doom….Doom)

 

We Win!!!

Journey of a Life Time

“Stay awake…stay focused…you cannot sleep…you are not felling sleepy…you cannot afford to…” these were the words, I was constantly reminding myself. I was trying extremely hard to stay focused.

”Continue for 4.9 miles on I-495” a loud female voice spoke, tearing the silence in my car into pieces. I almost shit in my pants, thinking who the hell just spoke (Hmm...Too many horror movies) It was just GPS Aunty.

I was still driving (and alive) all the way from North Brunswick, New Jersey (NJ) to Florence, South Carolina (SC) 600 miles.
Desi, with a 2 day old South Carolina license, freshly bought car and first long drive. Still seemed like a dream. AM I REALLY DOING THIS? Why am I doing this? Will I make it? Will I see my wife and daughter again? Did I do the right thing?? Somebody please wake me up…I don’t wanna do this!!

The Backstory:

Mission was to drive from NJ to SC to pick my wife up from Florence airport - 600 miles. What’s the big deal? Well – I stay in Florence too. Did you say “WTF!!!”?

Well, it is difficult to buy used cars in Florence. Reason being supply & demand. Even a Year 1811 BC – Toyota Corolla with 198021984 Light year miles on it will cost you around $8K to $9K. At my salary, I could just afford a steering wheel, horn & 1 tire.

So long story short, this was the (dream) plan:

> Reach NJ by bus at 8:30 am where my partner in crime Satish aka “sAt” picks me

   Up.

> We take a temporary number plate from NJ-DMV (Car already purchased by sAt)

> I (first time driver…who has received his DL just a few days back) will drive the

   Car all the way from NJ to SC

> Pick my wife and daughter up from FLO airport on Tuesday, so that meant

   I HAD TO GET CAR BEFORE THAT.

Don’t ask me “Why didn’t you do it earlier?…why wait till lastest last moment?…” All the time in universe and I won’t be able to explain or justify that!

                               

What actually happened:

D-Day minus 1(Friday night)

Adventure started on Friday night when I boarded New York bound gotobus. “Garib logo ka bus”. Only walking would be cheaper, it’s a life saver!! Mostly preferred by Chinese, African-American & Indian origin junta.
 

A man got onto the bus, drunk as hell. Stuff falling from his back pack, food spilling from the takeaway box. He crashed into the first row seat, right behind the bus driver. People were scared that he was distracting the driver. He was laughing on the bus door that would not shut properly (worth a risk for 60$ ticket). He felt, that the door will give away and people in the bus will be sucked out into the dark night.

When the bus reached Richmond, bus controller got in the bus; he did a surprise check and found out that the drunken man did not have a ticket on him. Controller & drunken man had an argument. Police got involved. Some over enthusiastic people tried to solve the issue, which the police officer did not like.

After a much huu-haa match ended in a tie. It was decided that the drunken man will pay the fine, sleep in the back of the bus and won’t trouble anyone. So after 2 hour delay bus left for NY. It was almost 3 a.m. and I was longing to sleep. I knew it would be a long journey back home.
 

The bus driver understood limited words in English. So, it was getting very difficult for me to explain him where I want to get down.

Suddenly my Indian instincts kicked in & I handed over a 10$ bill to him and surprisingly he even understood sentences that I spoke in Hindi.

Btw, he asked for 10$ more when I got down, I paid him 5$ and ran. “Kisko diya hai jo tujhe nahi dunga” I said to myself.

ALL SET…Stage 1 completed. Hello NJ!!

At NJ (D-Day minus 0.5)

Plan for the next 2.5 hours was extremely simple: Go to DMV office. Collect the temp license plate. Go home. Complete morning activities. Eat! Take some rest. Change car tires. Do something about leaking coolant pump. Do some practice laps in sAt’s area. Eat (again). Take some rest and then leave from sAt’s place at 11am, so that we both reach our respective destinations on time and (in my case) alive.

As per plan, after having delicious Sambhar (really awesome!), rasam, rice, bhendi ka bhajji, ice-cream, pistachio biscuits etc.. we left from sAt’s apartment at 4.30pm. Archana had packed ration good enough for 2-3 days. She said “this is for the road”.

I think she was being polite. May be, she felt I won’t be able to reach in a day or I eat that much. I will prefer earlier reason than the later.

D-Day:

We left at 4.30pm (only 5-6 hours behind schedule) from sAt’s apartment. Archana placed Ganpati idol on the dashboard. We refueled the car (with GAS and not petrol…Americaaa uhhh!!!) Bought & ate some sweets from Mithas and then came the moment I was waiting for…

Dashboard showed gear “D”, GPS said 600 miles – expected arrival time 2:05 AM – BP 800-1200 – My palms sweaty – eyes tired – Ganpati Bappa Morya!!!

I was tailing sAt’s car like a small kid chasing his parents in a crowded area. Had few close encounters on the way. No harm done. 595 more miles to go…

At a red signal, I showed thumps-up to sAt, who I knew was equally tensed. Somehow he being around was very comforting. And I was on that lovely thing called I-95

A few words about I-95…I don’t know why this highway is not on the 7 or 8 wonders of the world. You have to drive on it to believe it. Not a single pothole. Clearly marked lanes. Amazing display of information like rest area boards, places you are heading to, exits, speed limits…MAN!!!! It was a big BIG transition for me. Couple of months back I was driving on Shit-Mahape..err…Shil-Mahape road. Driving to save my car from falling into potholes, desperately trying to not run over people surprisingly showing up on the road (reminds me of the Robocop game) I think “road crossing” is some kind of adventure sport in India. You don’t cross the road when its empty. There has to minimum 2-3 cars speeding your way, close enough to hit you. May be, this makes us feel alive. Gold medal at Olympics secured. But I digress.

After driving around 100 miles, we took our first break at Delaware Service Area. We had some coffee and corn bajiya. I knew this is the place where I & sAt split. There were tall dinosaur size butterflies in my stomach. May be it showed on my face too. Archana said a nervous bye & take care!!! sAt and I hugged each other, “Motte drive safe”, is all I recollect...

For the next 50 miles I pretended that sAt is still driving ahead of me, over the years I have learned to fool myself & trust me, it’s not that hard

Slowly and steadily I started gaining confidence. Excitement & fear kept me awake. Luckily FM played some of my favorite songs – Have a cigar, Sweet child of mine, Run like hell, Master of puppets. Few miles knocked down while singing along with Gods of rock!!! (Don’t know if they would have felt the same)

Initially I was driving at slow speed, traffic started pilling behind me. This is when I had a filmy thought…”bahut ho gaya daar-daar ke jina”…”ab meri bari” and after that never looked back (Or was scared to look what I was leaving behind). Went with the flow, as GPS (god sent angle) told me. I took a wrong exit after Richmond, went into the city. I got panicked. I pulled the car to the side, took some long breaths (alom-velom) Started again, and joined I-95 back after 15-20 minutes de-tour.

I took another break after reaching North Carolina. Almost close to 330 miles covered, called up sAt "Should I continue my journey? or halt somewhere, at the night?" I wasn’t sure. There was this newly found energy in my body, which was telling me to continue. I was feeling tired as the same time. Finally we decided that I will continue for next 50 miles, if I feel sleepy I will rest at some cheap motel.

And then I started the last & most physically tiring leg of my journey. I was constantly reminding myself to stay awake…not to sleep…I had to stay focused…and then…GPS lady spoke…

 

Back to the present…

This incident shook me up, sleep – disappeared. I was back to my senses. Heart beat slowly coming back to normal. All the way I was thinking, how happy Mahek & Rashmi would be to go around places in this car. How much trouble I gave sAt for searching this car (which I am used to). I was feeling like AB and his Ram-piyari or Tarzan & his wonder car.

On entering South Carolina state, I was getting that coming back home feeling (bring the boyz back home), I lowered the glass of my window and let the cold, yet comforting SC air fill up car, took a deeeeep breath, I was coming back home. In few miles ahead, I started seeing direction boards for FLORENCE, my heart filled with joy. I was getting very anxious to get back home, might have driven a little bit fast. Punched my fist in air when I saw EXIT 160A (exit on I-95 for Florence) and in a few minutes, I was there “HOME SWEET HOME”